eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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