WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
