Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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