And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
