I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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