Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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