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i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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