im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
