Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
