Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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