piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
