Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
