Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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