I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
