If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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