Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
