Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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