It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
