If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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