I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
