Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I lost the right to judge tonight
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
