Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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