can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
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I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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