Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
