Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You need a sexual gate keeper
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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