I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
