Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
