i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
