i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
