just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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