bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
