I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize