I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
