fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
