Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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