i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm bleeding and have questions
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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