Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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