I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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