Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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