my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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