I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
