cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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