Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
