I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
