i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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