Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
