she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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