my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
