If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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