at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
