my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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