I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
