There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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