I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
