I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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