Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
