I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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